Note: For those of you who subscribe to my newsletter, you will notice a lot of copy and pasting from my last letter in this post. However I felt that this was a topic that I wanted to talk about more over on the blog!

I have also added an audio file of this blog post found at the bottom of the page if you would rather listen to the blog.

As Summer came to an end, many other things also seemed to be ending along with it. My time at the RFSL Archive, one job I had grown out of, and another job that I decided was no longer serving me or my mental health. Juggling four jobs was not how I had planned to spend the end of my Summer and it had been a head racking, organisational experience. One I would not recommend. During this time I had also moved house and had been asked for an interview with Eve Ruet, a PHD Candidate working on “photography in Wales through the analysis of the national discourse”. Here I discussed the work I made during Lockdown for the Our Creative Cardiff project. I reflected on the commission and the pros and cons of the work. Since then, my brain has been full of questions interrogating my own feelings concerning my creative work and practice. My one plan for October was simply to ‘reflect’ but each question I asked myself produced more. Sentences, phrases, words and letters became so overwhelming that they melted from their structures into a dense fog which I could no longer see through.

Social media was doing me no help. I have recently written positively about the online communities, connections and knowledge that had been created and distributed as a result of lockdown and the pandemic. As great as this is, it is overwhelming. So much information, more artists to compare myself to and so, much, noise. I could no longer hear my own thoughts and I already couldn’t see through the fog. I was completely lost.

I realised that I had been keeping myself busy and, consciously or not, had been distracting myself away from the fact I was no longer happy with my practice and research. Those who have followed my Newsletter for a while, may have noticed that almost every month, I seem to apologise for not getting around to writing a blog post. Sometimes it was because I was busy with my day jobs and sometimes I was exhausted, physically and mentally. But maybe it was also something else? Sitting down to write became so daunting. Opening my laptop, hot drink and snacks at the ready, I would stare at the blank screen and rest my hands on the keyboard. What on earth was I doing?

I decided to come off of social media for an indefinite period.

I’m going to attempt a sort of KonMari-ing of my art self. People may roll their eyes when they read that but hear me out. During lockdown, I decided to download some of the Marie Kondo books on Audible and try out her tidying method. I was moving house (and country) and had dabbled in it a little before. It was one of the most stressful projects of my life. Coming face to face with my past self, the present version of me and what both of these people thought I would or should be in the future. I learnt a lot. I started to recognise how many of my actions and thoughts were performances for others. I began the process of relearning who I was; something I am still engrossed in two years later. Although uncomfortable, it was one of the most eye opening and dare I say, life altering experiences.

“Tidying is the act of confronting yourself.”

Marie Kondo

She came up again in my last weeks at the RFSL archive. I had been complaining about one of my other jobs and my boss turned to me and said “well, if it does not “Spark Joy”, and you’re in a position where you can, maybe you need to let it go.” He was right. (One of the positives of having a ridiculous amount of jobs is that there is usually one or two to fall back on.) I hadn’t thought about applying the method to my life beyond my general belongings but I figured I should start.

There are many physical items that represent the struggles I’m facing. The notebooks, papers and work that sit on my shelves. The endless to do lists and ideas I have written down. The half used sketchbooks, lecture and talk notes. I want to remind myself of the reason I do art in the first place. What drew me to it, why I need it and confronting my things may help me answer some of these questions. All need to be gasped and held out in front of me whilst I ask myself “Does this spark joy?” Then to turn to the subject, the style, the process and ask again. Then again and again until I’m left with only that which sparks not only joy but love, excitement, intrigue and curiosity.